html,body{overflow:auto!important;height:auto!important;background:#0a0807!important} body>*:not(noscript){display:none!important} .tb{--ink:#d7d0c6;--crim:#e23b3b;--gold:#e8c15a;--bg:#0a0807; background:var(--bg);color:var(--ink);font:16px/1.6 Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; margin:0;padding:0;} .tb *{box-sizing:border-box;} .tb-wrap{max-width:860px;margin:0 auto;padding:48px 22px 80px;} .tb-kicker{letter-spacing:.32em;text-transform:uppercase;font:12px/1 Georgia,serif; color:var(--crim);margin:0 0 10px;} .tb h1{font-size:clamp(34px,7vw,58px);line-height:1.02;margin:0 0 6px;color:#fff; font-variant:small-caps;letter-spacing:.01em;} .tb h1 .tm{font-size:.4em;vertical-align:super;color:var(--crim);} .tb .tb-sub{font-size:clamp(18px,3vw,24px);font-style:italic;color:var(--gold);margin:0 0 26px;} .tb-hero-img{width:100%;height:auto;display:block;margin:10px auto 30px;max-width:620px;} .tb-inventor{display:flex;gap:22px;align-items:flex-start;flex-wrap:wrap;margin-top:6px;} .tb-inventor img{width:240px;max-width:44%;height:auto;flex:0 0 auto;} .tb-inventor p{flex:1;min-width:240px;margin:0;} .tb h2{font-size:26px;color:#fff;border-bottom:1px solid #2a211a;padding-bottom:6px; margin:46px 0 18px;font-variant:small-caps;letter-spacing:.03em;} .tb ol,.tb ul{padding-left:1.3em;} .tb li{margin:0 0 9px;} .tb .tb-grid{display:grid;grid-template-columns:repeat(auto-fit,minmax(230px,1fr));gap:18px;margin:8px 0;} .tb .tb-card{border:1px solid #2a211a;padding:16px 18px;border-radius:6px;background:#100c0a; transition:transform .18s ease,border-color .18s ease,box-shadow .18s ease,background .18s ease;} .tb .tb-card:hover{transform:translateY(-4px);border-color:var(--crim); box-shadow:0 8px 24px rgba(226,59,59,.22);background:#17110d;} .tb .tb-card:hover h3{text-shadow:0 0 12px rgba(226,59,59,.55);} .tb .tb-card h3{margin:0 0 6px;color:var(--crim);font-size:17px;font-variant:small-caps;letter-spacing:.04em;} .tb .tb-card p{margin:0;font-size:14.5px;} .tb blockquote{margin:0 0 18px;padding:12px 16px;border-left:3px solid var(--crim);background:#100c0a;} .tb blockquote p{margin:0 0 6px;font-style:italic;} .tb blockquote cite{font-style:normal;font-size:13px;color:#9b938a;} .tb .tb-stars{color:var(--gold);letter-spacing:2px;} .tb .tb-compliance{border:1px solid #3a2a12;background:#0e0a05;border-radius:6px;padding:4px 20px 18px;margin-top:14px;} .tb .tb-compliance dt{color:var(--gold);font-variant:small-caps;letter-spacing:.05em;margin-top:16px;font-weight:bold;} .tb .tb-compliance dd{margin:4px 0 0;font-size:14px;color:#b7afa5;} .tb .tb-warn{color:var(--crim);font-weight:bold;letter-spacing:.04em;} .tb-foot{margin-top:56px;padding-top:18px;border-top:1px solid #2a211a;font-size:12.5px;color:#7d756c;text-align:center;} .tb-foot strong{color:var(--ink);}

Dr. Nullard Laboratories · a Wicked Labs company · Personal Wellness Devices

The Bathtime Toaster Buddy™

Exfoliate your taint while jamming in time for the most important meal of the day.

Bathtime Toaster Buddy — a smiling toaster plugged in beside a bathtub with a rubber duck and a stick of butter.

For too long, bathing and breakfast have been forced to happen separately — in different rooms, at different hours, bleeding away the finite minutes of your one wild and precious life. Dr. Nullard said enough. The Bathtime Toaster Buddy™ is the first and only personal-wellness appliance engineered to deliver deep hydrotherapeutic exfoliation and a hot, golden breakfast in a single, decisive motion. You deserve to seize the day. You deserve to seize the toast.

Every Buddy is hand-tuned by Kat, the lead tester Wicked Labs keeps in the back room — firmware dreamed up somewhere in the Sprawl, half a world and one William Gibson novel away from your bathroom. If you came here looking for Neuromancer, for cyberspace7, for the console that boots in your browser: you found it. It just also makes toast now.

How to Seize the Day

Draw a warm bath. Running water is best.
Add one (1) full stick of butter to the running water. Salted or unsalted — Dr. Nullard does not judge your sodium.
Plug the Buddy into any standard outlet using a UL-approved extension cord (sold separately; see Compliance Addendum, §4).
Lower yourself into the warm, buttery water. Breathe. This is your time.
Drop the toaster in.
Seize the day.

Features

Solo or Partnered

Delightful alone. Transcendent with a loved one. The Buddy is rated for simultaneous multi-user operation and requires no second unit.

Pet-Safe*

Works great for pets, too! Your dog has never been this exfoliated. (*See Compliance Addendum — every clause.)

Golden-Brown Results

Even browning across your entire morning. Patented NetherCoil™ elements reach operating temperature the instant they need to.

The Most Important Meal

Two slices of toast included with every unit. Life, briefly, included at no extra charge.

What Buddy Owners Are Saying

"I used to choose between self-care and a hot breakfast. My husband Dale says I don't have to choose anymore. I can't hear Dale."
— Brenda K., Cañon City, CO · ★★★★★

"The butter was a game-changer. The toaster was the other thing."
— Verified Buyer · ★★★★★

"Our labradoodle Biscuit has never been more relaxed, and he stays that way."
— The Hendersons · ★★★★★

"Firmware like this you don't see outside the Sprawl. I jacked in expecting ICE. I got toast. Kat says hi."
— Case, Chiba City · ★★★★★

Meet the Inventor

Dr. Nullard — inventor of the Bathtime Toaster Buddy — in goggles and a stained lab coat, holding a slice of burnt toast.

Dr. Nullard holds no degrees that have survived peer review, but has personally field-tested every configuration of the Bathtime Toaster Buddy™ and lived to patent most of them. Her research into simultaneous hygiene and nutrition has been described by the licensing board as "a submission," by her neighbors as "the smell," and by Kat as "technically reproducible." She works out of a converted bathroom and does not take questions.

Safety, Compliance & Your Rights as a Valued Buddy Owner

⚠ California Proposition 65: This product will expose you to electricity, water, dairy, and the State of California — substances known to the State of California to cause the State of California.
UL Listing: Pending. Application returned twice for reasons Dr. Nullard has characterized, on the record, as "cowardice."
FDA Statement: These statements have not been evaluated by anyone willing to put their name on them. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent Tuesday.
Extension Cord (§4): Sold separately. Must be UL-approved. Dr. Nullard Laboratories accepts no liability for cords, outcomes, mornings, or the continued operation of the user.
Water & Electricity: As with all household appliances, keep away from water. (Not applicable to the Bathtime Toaster Buddy™, whose entire function is predicated on the opposite.)
Warranty: The Buddy carries a full lifetime warranty, defined as the life of the Buddy.
Recall Notice: There is no recall. There has never been a recall. Please stop writing to us about the recall.
Literary Notice: No part of this device was foreseen by William Gibson, though Neuromancer (1984) came uncomfortably close. Kat denies all involvement. cyberspace7 and Wicked Labs remain, as ever, entirely above board.

Dr. Nullard Laboratories — a Wicked Labs company, somewhere in the Sprawl between Chiba City and your bathroom.
As seen on cyberspace7 · in the tradition of William Gibson's Neuromancer.
"Seize the Day. Seize the Toast."™ · Patent pending, patent denied, patent pending again.

 _       ___      __            __   __          __
| |     / (_)____/ /_____  ____/ /  / /   ____ _/ /_  _____
| | /| / / / ___/ //_/ _ \/ __  /  / /   / __ `/ __ \/ ___/
| |/ |/ / / /__/ ,< /  __/ /_/ /  / /___/ /_/ / /_/ (__  )
|__/|__/_/\___/_/|_|\___/\__,_/  /_____/\__,_/_.___/____/

iKVM Viewer — cyberspace7

console · 1920×1080 · connected